ton having a job all that sort of jazz. Especially having a family. I just don't get way it can't just work out.

fish bastard. So wouldn't you think that I'd get what I want. Like having Juston have support, Juston having a place to live, Juston going to school, Jus

I wish things worked out the way I wanted. All I ever want is to be happy, and to achieve that other people being happy works. It's not like I'm some sel

I don't mean to get ahead of myself, but I see nothing but good things in the future for us.

the rest of my life. I'm not going to let little things ruin us.

through and effect the things that matter most. I truly think Juston Weeda is a good guy for me, he loves me, he's there for me. I'd like to love him for

There are so many things that can go wrong in a relationship. And when a relationship is strong, why let the little things that aren't worth while break

ere is so much to be said that you both a scared. It starts to become obvious that nothing is going to get resolved.

This is the most gay thing ever. I hate when you are in that situation with people that you need to say so much shit between the two of you. But since th

m I smoking? I'm not addicted to it. There is no point. But the more good decisions I make I notice the poor ones chosen around me. I'm annoyed by it.

ed at my last cig started to say, 'this will be my last.' Then realized I didn't even want it anymore so I through the pack out the window. I mean, why a

for more. Then I started to think how I'm always broke because of smoking, how I have nothing o show for it, how my car stinks because of it, and I look

biggest change so far is my no smoking cigs. Yesterday, Veterans Day, I was doing the count down to the last cig, wondering how I was going to get money

k it's bad but just that I'm over it for now. I have better things I can be doing than waking up in the morning feeling like a idiot with a hangover. The

I don't mean to be judgmental or closed off, but it's happening. Sure, I'm above the influence these days, I don't even drink anymore. Not because I thin

I now have Blogger on my phone. This will be pretty interesting. There will be updates like nobody's business.

Above the influence.

I'm now above the influence, which really isn't a big deal coming from me. It's not like I ever had a drug problem or let my drinking get out of hand. I just am growing up and seeing what's important in my life, and right now it's school and getting a job. Even my friends are going to have to go on the back burner for a bit. I love them, but I need to start getting my life set up and get a step in the right direction. Smoking weed, drinking, partying with friends everyday are distractions that are starting to stand in the way of the things I can to accompish for myself. Especially when it's my senior year, I want everything to end on a good note and to be ready for next year when I am on my own and in college. I need to start buliding myself grown to stand on my own to feet with, I can do it, as long as I start working now. I'm not saying that I'm never going to drink again , or goof off with friends. I'm just not going to do it until I have everything in check and can maintain my wanted life style while doing the things that I enjoy.

Bothers.

I'm starting to realize that I could be looked at and thought of as a terrible person. I mean, I don't ever really do anything that would compromise me as a person. I take pride in who I am and the things that I do, or in most cases, don't do. I'm still full of myself, as always, but the more I'm content with myself and give less of a shit about what other people have to say the more I let loose and sometimes let a little too much go. I mean, I'm into self improvement like no other and by the choices I have made recently I have learned a lot from. Which, I'm happy with. I like that I don't always live life safe guarding myself, I like having crazy stories to look back on. I like learning things, in different and exciting ways. Even if other people may not think much of my decison making skills. Like the other night, getting drunk with Andrew lead to things that I figured would happen. To me it's not a big deal, but if word gets out I may look a bit dirty for doing things with Andrew when I use to kick it with his younger brother Alex that is my age. I mean I HAD a thing with Alex, but by no means were we a THING. So really, Alex couldn't be the furtherest thing from my mind so making decisions so do things with other guys has nothing to do with him in any shape or form. But the thing is Andrew is his BROTHER,...maybe I should have taken that in to consideration? I mean, we haven't talked to each other in months so it's no doubt he feels the sameway about me as I do about him, AKA completely over it. But the fact is at the end of the day they are brothers. I know me and Andrew don't have things for each other, at most before we may have flirted, and I really couldn't tell anyone if I thought this could happen again between us. I don't think Andrew is the type of guy that will let this change things or make it awkward between us. I think he is cool enough to know it is what it is, if it happens again so what? He's just fun to be around, he truly is the guy verison of me. That's why I feel like we are on the same page on this, that it's no big deal. But for some reason, I wonder if it's crossing a line to be able to say that I know what both of them look like with no pants on. I saw their easter family pictures the other day (which were taken on the day I started talking to Alex) and there were picture of both the boys together, it felt weird, or at least felt like it SHOULD be weird that I have done things with both of them, some of the SAMETHINGS. Oh well, I guess Becca Martin (Andrew's ex-girlfirend) is right to assume I have a thing for Charlson's.

HEYWEARE.

I have only ever told two people about my 'eating disorder'. I say 'eating disorder' because I don't really see it like the picture people always to paint it on T.V. in the news, and especially health class, it's not taking over my life, but I'm starting to accept that, that is INDEED what it is called. I've been thinking about it alot lately, probably because of I'm starting up again. I do, in fact, know when to stop so I don't need people thinking I'm going to trying to be 100 pounds or anything. (That is impossible for someone with my build. Afterall, I'm about 5' 10".) Which is the main reason I'm so hush hush about it. I'm finally to the orginal goal weight I had made for myself, back when I didn't even think this would work. But two years later, and here I am. I'm actually about 5 pounds past it. I can't beleive it. But now that I'm here, I think another ten pounds wouldn't hurt. So that's the goal for this month. I'd really like to finish up high school and go in to college with nothing holding me back, and I've alwayd felt that my weight was doing that. I'm all about self improvement these days, and this year, my senior year, I'm in a gym class called "Body shaping and toning." That should REALLY bring it home for me. I want to go to that class at a healthy weight and then just work out the kinks. I'm still in shock that this weight battle I've had since I was in second grade is almost over. Anything is possible from here on out.
Oh, And if anyone cares, The two people that I told were my best friend Sadie and brother Tom.

A lot of people see issues with my weight. Correction, everyone has issues with my weight. Either I'm too thin, or to big. There has not been one person that ever said that it was right. I mean, I'm not looking for anyone else's approvel but my own, but this shit is getting to me. Not in the sense that I'm concerned or unhappy with my body because of it, but that I'm getting quite annoyed. I really doubt that anyone could make me feel down on myself about the physical state of which my body is in these days. For a few reasons, one, I know that I'm not fat FAT. Two, only people that make fun of a person's body is a low life which is just making shit up to try to subdue their own innner demons. Three, I have been down on myself since I was in first grade, whatever someone could say to me I've beat it into my own brain. So really, I don't have too many issues with my weight, I never have been made fun of besides one time when I was in 5th grade and once again in middle school. And in all honesty, I was fat. So really, what were they saying that I didn't already know it was just like "so?....". I knew what I was, I was fat. Childish words didn't hurt me, the only thing that ever hurt me was myself. Looking back on it one of the biggest problems I ever had, was not getting to know myself. I held myself back, thinking, 'I'm to fat to this' and in the end I hated myself for being heavy and just didn't want to get to know myself in anyway. By doing that, It lead me to believe that if I, the one person that should love me doesn't, then who the hell wants to get to know my waste of space self. I shut myself down and drew back from people, thinking I was a embarrassment. (Let's make something clear, I WAS NOT THE CUTE/PRETTY THICK GIRL.) I took myself out of everything I liked, or wanted to do. I automactically thought that because of my fat that I couldn't perform any task as well as the thin peers that surrounded me. (Also I was bad in school.) I grew sick of trying to do something and, in my eyes, failing so I quit trying anything. I loved basketball, but stopped playing when I noticed I could run as fast or hard as the other irls on my team. I thought when people say me not measure up that they thought 'Well, no duh. It's the fat girl.'. Through that thinking I become deathly shy. (I had already been a shy kid.) Soon because of my insecurities and shyness I became even paranoid. I thought that whenever I was around that everyone was thinking about me and thinking about how gross I was. I could practically feel it.
I really was my own worse enemy. As I lost respect for myself and thought everyone else did too, I felt alone. I was depressed. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was. I hated myself, I didn't see myself going anywhere. I was always thinking about how nice it would be to just be dead, I considered killing myself, and how easy it would be just to do one thing and have it all be over.

Tumblr

You can find my second blog at

http://kellygleason.tumblr.com/

At this point in time isn't not nearly as updated as my blogger, but who knows. That could change.

Give him his time.

I'm sick of hearing about his mistakes.
I'm sick of him being the topic of every converstation.
I'm sick of you working so hard to bail him out.
I'm sick of you from keeping him from learning from his mistakes.
I'm sick of you not letting him grow up.
I'm sick of you bending backwards for him.
I'm sick that you put more energy in your relationship with him then the one with me, I'm right here. You regret losing him, yet I'm leaving in a year and I'm already drifting away from this house everyday.
I'm sick of you not noticing reality.
I'm sick of you being so native and childish. Don't you see that you are pushing him farther away everytime you coddle him? He doesn't want to be treated like a baby, he is 20. He wants to be treated like that man he wants to be. You're setting him up for failure, he things he is a 'man of the world' but you have sheltered him his whole way through life. He'll never be perared for anything.
You just need to B A C K O F F, and I'm sick of you not being able to see that.
I've tried to convince you to let him make his own decisions when you regretted all of the choices you presented to him. he doesn't want help. You don't listen. So now as you continue to fail to make a 'breakthough' and get more stressed out I'm tending to lose my patiences. I don't want you to hurt, but it seems impossible to walk on egg shells around you all the time, since now I'm hurting you by telling you the truth and you can't let anything go. Please, just stop. Everything will be fine, people need to learn from mistakes to stop making them, but that hasn't been able to happen for him because you don't allow any consquences for him. He needs time to figure one what's right for him, give him his time. And give me mine.

I told you needed me.

I knew this would happen, I told everyone it would. That's how sure I was about it. You make bad decisions, we know this. We have known this for that past year. Once the shit hit the fan, I called it quits. I didn't need someone in my life that was going to force themselves to hit rock bottom and beat themselves up until they had nothing left and hated themselves. I knew that you were making yourself my mess to pick up. I couldn't watch you do that, no matter how much I had cared about you at one point, since you were no longer that person. You had gone back to being that person that everyone had hated. I figured you just had to get all that out of your system and that it was all just one of those phases that you would regret and see as stupid and pointless later. I just had hoped it wouldn't have taken this long. I see you coming to me and reaching out to me, wanting things to back to as they were. I'm thinking that might be to much to ask. I see you just need to have something solid to hold on to and I was always that for you, until you hit that 'rebellious' stage just when everything was going right. I see you just want something stable and solid to hold on too, and I was that for you. And if I was you, I would want me back to. But the thing is, I'm not, I'm me. I see all your errors, I have myself to protect these days, you USE to be my frist thought. I defended you and outlooked out for you every step of the way, but not anymore. You're no longer my best friend. I figure it must really suck for you. You're world is getting smaller. All you have is him, and let's be honest, he will mean nothing at the end of the day and you are putting all your eggs in that basket but I don't care, I won't say anything. All I'm trying to say is that I knew you would come crawling back, now it's just for me to decide if I'll open up this door again for you.

The Voicemail.

When we were 'together' you had left me a voicemail. I never listened to it, I ignored your call at the time when I was too busy doing nothing. I realize now that that was the problem. I ignored you, and now that it's to late I actually care what you have to say. There is something very wrong with this, I know that I didn't like you at the time, and that I'm just fooling myself when I think of the possibility that I may have missed out on something. I'm not so much stuck on you or what you were, but what I wish you could have been. Afterall, It's only in time that I would get sick of doing this to myself, the whole cutting people out thing. It's not what I want, it's just what I do without even knowing or caring until I realize it's far to late. Like now. It's been month's since we spoke, and longer since you left me the voicemall, but I found myself looking for it about a month and a half ago on my phone, it wasn't there. It had been long gone for about almost 1-2 months by then, since my phone clears things once it hits 15 days. I mean, I'm sure your message was nothing, I was just curious. And still am. But also by listening to it I want to tell myself I'm wrong, that I do in fact know you better then I actually do, especially after the amount of time we spent together. Since you could probably say that I'm pretty heartless that I don't remember your voice, your face, your touch, your feel, your taste, your anything. I hate that Ben is always right about me, especially when it comes to things like you. I don't like the idea that I will never care about anyone or anything. Especially as I get to know myself it seems to be true. There was nothing wrong with you, I remember you treating me perfectly, yet I still didn't want you. I felt more comfortable not having you. Seriously, I don't even miss you. All though for some reason, I wish I did.

Move on

Boo, to people that can't let things go. Also, Boo, to people that join the people that can't let things go and they get all pissy because they decide it is cool to pick sides. I mean, I would avoid you- if I was 5 but since I'm not I don't give a shit about you. I'm not gonna let someone that didn't matter to me when we were hanging out suddenly have influence over my life now that we weren't. So, if his people want to act weird around me just because things came up that caused me to be around (which I hadn't seen coming) then fine. Not like those people were really anything to me, but just realize, I'm not the only person here. I'm not the one that is going to get pissed or start things between us. You are just messing with your own relationships with your friends, not me. Mostly, because I'm not petty and wouldn't ask for people to get in the middle of something when it has nothing to do with them to begin with. So kindly, B A C K O F F.

I hate

1. When people lie
2. When the drive-through person tells their name
3. When someone digs for a complaint
4. When someone randomly joins a pirvate converstation
5. Lost items
6. Broken items
7. Cheap rings that turn fingers green
8. When I don't get a joke
9. When someone doesn't get my joke
10. People that don't understand that I'm constantly scarcastic
11. Slow computers
12. No service
13. Walking into someone ass cloud (fart)
14. Not having gas money
15. Not having money
16. Not getting money when I ask for it
17. Havig to ask for money
18. When someone complaints me and I have nothing nice to say
back
19. When I get something and have nothing to give back
20. When people thuink I care about something, I really care about nothing
21. When someone asks "What music do you listend to?" I listen to everyting, mostly things they never heard of
22. When people don't believe I like all types of music, minus hardcore rap and country
23. When girls wear cloths that are to small
24. When girls wear cloths that arw to big
25. When guys wear cloths that are to big
26. when guys wear cloths that are to small
27. When people constantly lick their fingers while eating
28. When people call things by the wrong name
29. When people point out someone miss spoke, even though they still understoof what they meant
30. When students as teachers "do we really have to do this?" "Why are we doing this?"
31. When people ask the same question everyday
32. When people try to hard to be funny
33. When people think being completely rude is funny
34. When people assume they know me
35. When people tell people how I am, when they don't know me
36. When people screw over people over
37. When people whine about what they get what they had coming to them
38. That kids parents sue when their kids get in a well deserved normall fist fight
39. When chap stick goes through the wash

By the way,

I'm at school during lunch, finishing up my Juinor year with four days left. Things aren't the way I thoguht the would be. Which is both good and bad. I tend to focus on the good though.

New Lesson.

You can't play a player.

I have come to learn this by refusing to get myself screwed over by someone titled a 'player' therefore I fell into the same game. Honestly, I don't regret a thing. I'm not the type of person that decides every five seconds that I have meet the love of my life so then I don't go do the typical things such as make stupid mistakes that I will regret and be embarrassed about later or have my little bitty heart broken over. I think it's best to come to the table being honest with yourself and know what you want and what you really are gonna get. With my last few months coming to a end I must say, I'm proud of myself. Things are over and I really could care less. I'm already over it, I was even it the second it happened. I think it was because I never put my all into it or got attached.
The weridest part about this all is that I have my brother to thank, he told me the truth. 'He's a nice guy but he thinks he's a player.' He was a nice guy, I have nothing bad to say about him or even think. I honestly just don't think anything about him one way or another. I got out of this completely scotch free. The way it should be.

Who is this person? (Continued)

Kay, So I said that the whole Matt thing was a one time thing- well I was wrong. I was a two time thing. I kinda left time hanging last night and he got back to me this afternoon. Although this time, there was no 'get back to me later' type thing. It was a true end. I'll get over it, hell I already am. He was a refreshment. Made me realize it need to meet new people that I can find someone to talk to. All the people that I know now have had to much between us happen or I know to much about them. Things that I have gotten not to like, I hate when people pick up new bad habits that completely change them. I'm done with highschoolers. I need to meet people that are already set in their ways and ver their unstable years. All the people I consider the best people that make the best friends are all older. Not old just older, as in out of highschool. Which just goes to prove my point, HSers SUCK. Why does Highschool have to leave such a stain on peoples personalities? Why do people throw away everything just for a few years of care free fun that will come back to bite them in the butt. You screw off, you get screwed over. How macny times have we been tolf this, yet everyone just feels the need to prove how dumb they can be? Whatever, I just need to find my person.

Who is this person?

I hardly know this person I have been talking to for the last few hours. I don't see him as I once did. He isn't surpose to be this kind, from what I hear. So far my converstation with him as been real easy and I haven't forced myself in to continuing it. It just rolls on it's own. Things haven't been like this with anyone in a long time. It's almost nice in a eery way. It's out of place, yet comfortable. I would follow through on this interaction if asked too, but I know that's to much to ask. This is strictly a one night thing. It makes me think though, why am I not like this with everyone? Especially with my friends and family, the dearest people to me. I think part of the ease with Matt comes from my lack of carefulness with what I say. Half way because I don't care if he likes me or not. We aren't friends.

Fresh Start.

With this new start on this period of my life I'm going to put my all into it. I can't redo the things I have done, or in better words. not done. But Monday is when I'll prove myself, as someone that has some responsiblities and goals. New Tri., new way of life.

Things I deeply regret.

1.) Not telling my parents about what happened at my daycare when I was younger, but I plan to some day.
2.) Accidently killing that duckling that me and my Momma found when we at my cabin, back when I was really little. It was scared and went into shock.
3.) Pushy people away.
4.) Not caring about people that care about me.
5.) Not taking school seriously all these years. I mean, I'm a junior and I have the feeling I have conquered nothing.
6.) Giving up on things I really liked, fearing I would embarrass myself.
7.) Being shy and super fat for so long.
8.) Not giving the right people second chances.
9.) Giving the wrong people second chances.
10.) Being confident in everything but the ONE thing I need to be confident at.
11.) Not being there when James Short died.
12.) Lossing touch with Jonhhy Kay in the last few months before his accident that killed him.

High School.

High School is everything they say, it is a total waste with lots of drama, hard classes, impossible teachers and stupid situations. One thing I didn't hear, that turned out to be my biggest lesson so far is that this is the time that you find out who your real friends are. I think it's because this is where people from into the people they really are, we have all grown up in the last few years. Some for the better some for the worse. I can honestly say I have changed for the better, I'm more content with my life than I have ever been. Sure, there are still things I'm working out and trying to figure out how I'm going to handle it, But I look at my challenges with a leveled head and want to comeout and intend to comeout a better person. I have decided to not use my time screwing myself over and missing up my furture, completely. I will say I do lack the motivation to push myself to go above and beyond whats asked off me. I do tend to skate by in school, only doing what it takes to get in and get out, but I don't forget the person that I am or what I stand for. Sadly, I can't say that is true for everyone. I have lost respect of the person I have been closest to for over half my life, because of their lack of self control and their excellent ability to prove they are the most arrogent and selfish person to step on to Earth. They hate everything they stand for,yet they continue with it all. Pathetic, I know. This is where the whole 'finding out who your real friends are' thing comes in, because this is where I realized that there are just somethings you can't give up for a loved one, and that is morals. I thank High School 100% for this, and people that have been through those tough four years can understand that. It's just so high school.

Regrets and Realisations

I have many regrets, most resulting in realisation that I have learned and grown from. I'm just wondering when I'll start to learn that I don't need regrets so wise up and mature. I just wish I wasn't so god damn dense and take the advise that I' given. I need to stop being so naive.