A lot of people see issues with my weight. Correction, everyone has issues with my weight. Either I'm too thin, or to big. There has not been one person that ever said that it was right. I mean, I'm not looking for anyone else's approvel but my own, but this shit is getting to me. Not in the sense that I'm concerned or unhappy with my body because of it, but that I'm getting quite annoyed. I really doubt that anyone could make me feel down on myself about the physical state of which my body is in these days. For a few reasons, one, I know that I'm not fat FAT. Two, only people that make fun of a person's body is a low life which is just making shit up to try to subdue their own innner demons. Three, I have been down on myself since I was in first grade, whatever someone could say to me I've beat it into my own brain. So really, I don't have too many issues with my weight, I never have been made fun of besides one time when I was in 5th grade and once again in middle school. And in all honesty, I was fat. So really, what were they saying that I didn't already know it was just like "so?....". I knew what I was, I was fat. Childish words didn't hurt me, the only thing that ever hurt me was myself. Looking back on it one of the biggest problems I ever had, was not getting to know myself. I held myself back, thinking, 'I'm to fat to this' and in the end I hated myself for being heavy and just didn't want to get to know myself in anyway. By doing that, It lead me to believe that if I, the one person that should love me doesn't, then who the hell wants to get to know my waste of space self. I shut myself down and drew back from people, thinking I was a embarrassment. (Let's make something clear, I WAS NOT THE CUTE/PRETTY THICK GIRL.) I took myself out of everything I liked, or wanted to do. I automactically thought that because of my fat that I couldn't perform any task as well as the thin peers that surrounded me. (Also I was bad in school.) I grew sick of trying to do something and, in my eyes, failing so I quit trying anything. I loved basketball, but stopped playing when I noticed I could run as fast or hard as the other irls on my team. I thought when people say me not measure up that they thought 'Well, no duh. It's the fat girl.'. Through that thinking I become deathly shy. (I had already been a shy kid.) Soon because of my insecurities and shyness I became even paranoid. I thought that whenever I was around that everyone was thinking about me and thinking about how gross I was. I could practically feel it.
I really was my own worse enemy. As I lost respect for myself and thought everyone else did too, I felt alone. I was depressed. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was. I hated myself, I didn't see myself going anywhere. I was always thinking about how nice it would be to just be dead, I considered killing myself, and how easy it would be just to do one thing and have it all be over.