Bothers.

I'm starting to realize that I could be looked at and thought of as a terrible person. I mean, I don't ever really do anything that would compromise me as a person. I take pride in who I am and the things that I do, or in most cases, don't do. I'm still full of myself, as always, but the more I'm content with myself and give less of a shit about what other people have to say the more I let loose and sometimes let a little too much go. I mean, I'm into self improvement like no other and by the choices I have made recently I have learned a lot from. Which, I'm happy with. I like that I don't always live life safe guarding myself, I like having crazy stories to look back on. I like learning things, in different and exciting ways. Even if other people may not think much of my decison making skills. Like the other night, getting drunk with Andrew lead to things that I figured would happen. To me it's not a big deal, but if word gets out I may look a bit dirty for doing things with Andrew when I use to kick it with his younger brother Alex that is my age. I mean I HAD a thing with Alex, but by no means were we a THING. So really, Alex couldn't be the furtherest thing from my mind so making decisions so do things with other guys has nothing to do with him in any shape or form. But the thing is Andrew is his BROTHER,...maybe I should have taken that in to consideration? I mean, we haven't talked to each other in months so it's no doubt he feels the sameway about me as I do about him, AKA completely over it. But the fact is at the end of the day they are brothers. I know me and Andrew don't have things for each other, at most before we may have flirted, and I really couldn't tell anyone if I thought this could happen again between us. I don't think Andrew is the type of guy that will let this change things or make it awkward between us. I think he is cool enough to know it is what it is, if it happens again so what? He's just fun to be around, he truly is the guy verison of me. That's why I feel like we are on the same page on this, that it's no big deal. But for some reason, I wonder if it's crossing a line to be able to say that I know what both of them look like with no pants on. I saw their easter family pictures the other day (which were taken on the day I started talking to Alex) and there were picture of both the boys together, it felt weird, or at least felt like it SHOULD be weird that I have done things with both of them, some of the SAMETHINGS. Oh well, I guess Becca Martin (Andrew's ex-girlfirend) is right to assume I have a thing for Charlson's.

HEYWEARE.

I have only ever told two people about my 'eating disorder'. I say 'eating disorder' because I don't really see it like the picture people always to paint it on T.V. in the news, and especially health class, it's not taking over my life, but I'm starting to accept that, that is INDEED what it is called. I've been thinking about it alot lately, probably because of I'm starting up again. I do, in fact, know when to stop so I don't need people thinking I'm going to trying to be 100 pounds or anything. (That is impossible for someone with my build. Afterall, I'm about 5' 10".) Which is the main reason I'm so hush hush about it. I'm finally to the orginal goal weight I had made for myself, back when I didn't even think this would work. But two years later, and here I am. I'm actually about 5 pounds past it. I can't beleive it. But now that I'm here, I think another ten pounds wouldn't hurt. So that's the goal for this month. I'd really like to finish up high school and go in to college with nothing holding me back, and I've alwayd felt that my weight was doing that. I'm all about self improvement these days, and this year, my senior year, I'm in a gym class called "Body shaping and toning." That should REALLY bring it home for me. I want to go to that class at a healthy weight and then just work out the kinks. I'm still in shock that this weight battle I've had since I was in second grade is almost over. Anything is possible from here on out.
Oh, And if anyone cares, The two people that I told were my best friend Sadie and brother Tom.

A lot of people see issues with my weight. Correction, everyone has issues with my weight. Either I'm too thin, or to big. There has not been one person that ever said that it was right. I mean, I'm not looking for anyone else's approvel but my own, but this shit is getting to me. Not in the sense that I'm concerned or unhappy with my body because of it, but that I'm getting quite annoyed. I really doubt that anyone could make me feel down on myself about the physical state of which my body is in these days. For a few reasons, one, I know that I'm not fat FAT. Two, only people that make fun of a person's body is a low life which is just making shit up to try to subdue their own innner demons. Three, I have been down on myself since I was in first grade, whatever someone could say to me I've beat it into my own brain. So really, I don't have too many issues with my weight, I never have been made fun of besides one time when I was in 5th grade and once again in middle school. And in all honesty, I was fat. So really, what were they saying that I didn't already know it was just like "so?....". I knew what I was, I was fat. Childish words didn't hurt me, the only thing that ever hurt me was myself. Looking back on it one of the biggest problems I ever had, was not getting to know myself. I held myself back, thinking, 'I'm to fat to this' and in the end I hated myself for being heavy and just didn't want to get to know myself in anyway. By doing that, It lead me to believe that if I, the one person that should love me doesn't, then who the hell wants to get to know my waste of space self. I shut myself down and drew back from people, thinking I was a embarrassment. (Let's make something clear, I WAS NOT THE CUTE/PRETTY THICK GIRL.) I took myself out of everything I liked, or wanted to do. I automactically thought that because of my fat that I couldn't perform any task as well as the thin peers that surrounded me. (Also I was bad in school.) I grew sick of trying to do something and, in my eyes, failing so I quit trying anything. I loved basketball, but stopped playing when I noticed I could run as fast or hard as the other irls on my team. I thought when people say me not measure up that they thought 'Well, no duh. It's the fat girl.'. Through that thinking I become deathly shy. (I had already been a shy kid.) Soon because of my insecurities and shyness I became even paranoid. I thought that whenever I was around that everyone was thinking about me and thinking about how gross I was. I could practically feel it.
I really was my own worse enemy. As I lost respect for myself and thought everyone else did too, I felt alone. I was depressed. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was. I hated myself, I didn't see myself going anywhere. I was always thinking about how nice it would be to just be dead, I considered killing myself, and how easy it would be just to do one thing and have it all be over.

Tumblr

You can find my second blog at

http://kellygleason.tumblr.com/

At this point in time isn't not nearly as updated as my blogger, but who knows. That could change.

Give him his time.

I'm sick of hearing about his mistakes.
I'm sick of him being the topic of every converstation.
I'm sick of you working so hard to bail him out.
I'm sick of you from keeping him from learning from his mistakes.
I'm sick of you not letting him grow up.
I'm sick of you bending backwards for him.
I'm sick that you put more energy in your relationship with him then the one with me, I'm right here. You regret losing him, yet I'm leaving in a year and I'm already drifting away from this house everyday.
I'm sick of you not noticing reality.
I'm sick of you being so native and childish. Don't you see that you are pushing him farther away everytime you coddle him? He doesn't want to be treated like a baby, he is 20. He wants to be treated like that man he wants to be. You're setting him up for failure, he things he is a 'man of the world' but you have sheltered him his whole way through life. He'll never be perared for anything.
You just need to B A C K O F F, and I'm sick of you not being able to see that.
I've tried to convince you to let him make his own decisions when you regretted all of the choices you presented to him. he doesn't want help. You don't listen. So now as you continue to fail to make a 'breakthough' and get more stressed out I'm tending to lose my patiences. I don't want you to hurt, but it seems impossible to walk on egg shells around you all the time, since now I'm hurting you by telling you the truth and you can't let anything go. Please, just stop. Everything will be fine, people need to learn from mistakes to stop making them, but that hasn't been able to happen for him because you don't allow any consquences for him. He needs time to figure one what's right for him, give him his time. And give me mine.

I told you needed me.

I knew this would happen, I told everyone it would. That's how sure I was about it. You make bad decisions, we know this. We have known this for that past year. Once the shit hit the fan, I called it quits. I didn't need someone in my life that was going to force themselves to hit rock bottom and beat themselves up until they had nothing left and hated themselves. I knew that you were making yourself my mess to pick up. I couldn't watch you do that, no matter how much I had cared about you at one point, since you were no longer that person. You had gone back to being that person that everyone had hated. I figured you just had to get all that out of your system and that it was all just one of those phases that you would regret and see as stupid and pointless later. I just had hoped it wouldn't have taken this long. I see you coming to me and reaching out to me, wanting things to back to as they were. I'm thinking that might be to much to ask. I see you just need to have something solid to hold on to and I was always that for you, until you hit that 'rebellious' stage just when everything was going right. I see you just want something stable and solid to hold on too, and I was that for you. And if I was you, I would want me back to. But the thing is, I'm not, I'm me. I see all your errors, I have myself to protect these days, you USE to be my frist thought. I defended you and outlooked out for you every step of the way, but not anymore. You're no longer my best friend. I figure it must really suck for you. You're world is getting smaller. All you have is him, and let's be honest, he will mean nothing at the end of the day and you are putting all your eggs in that basket but I don't care, I won't say anything. All I'm trying to say is that I knew you would come crawling back, now it's just for me to decide if I'll open up this door again for you.

The Voicemail.

When we were 'together' you had left me a voicemail. I never listened to it, I ignored your call at the time when I was too busy doing nothing. I realize now that that was the problem. I ignored you, and now that it's to late I actually care what you have to say. There is something very wrong with this, I know that I didn't like you at the time, and that I'm just fooling myself when I think of the possibility that I may have missed out on something. I'm not so much stuck on you or what you were, but what I wish you could have been. Afterall, It's only in time that I would get sick of doing this to myself, the whole cutting people out thing. It's not what I want, it's just what I do without even knowing or caring until I realize it's far to late. Like now. It's been month's since we spoke, and longer since you left me the voicemall, but I found myself looking for it about a month and a half ago on my phone, it wasn't there. It had been long gone for about almost 1-2 months by then, since my phone clears things once it hits 15 days. I mean, I'm sure your message was nothing, I was just curious. And still am. But also by listening to it I want to tell myself I'm wrong, that I do in fact know you better then I actually do, especially after the amount of time we spent together. Since you could probably say that I'm pretty heartless that I don't remember your voice, your face, your touch, your feel, your taste, your anything. I hate that Ben is always right about me, especially when it comes to things like you. I don't like the idea that I will never care about anyone or anything. Especially as I get to know myself it seems to be true. There was nothing wrong with you, I remember you treating me perfectly, yet I still didn't want you. I felt more comfortable not having you. Seriously, I don't even miss you. All though for some reason, I wish I did.